I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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