Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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