i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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