I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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