2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
