I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
How naked do you want me to be?
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