i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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