she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
