Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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