At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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