Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
