Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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