I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
