this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
