I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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