I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
