Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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