i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
