Banned from zoo.
Again?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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