Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I touched a dick in church today
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
