She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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