it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
