If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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