Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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