My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize