Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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