hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
