a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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