There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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