who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
