Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
