Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
