I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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