i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
