you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
