he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
