The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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