My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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