that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
