I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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