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• (845): View more from New York

  If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.

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• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.

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• (585): View more from New York

  ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.

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• (954): View more from Florida

  i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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• (651): View more from Minnesota

  Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"

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• (417): View more from Missouri

  Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants

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• (561): View more from Florida

  I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!

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• (918): View more from Oklahoma

  So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.

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• (775): View more from Nevada

  She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me

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• (720): View more from Colorado

  Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??

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• (850): View more from Florida

  Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.

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