so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
