Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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