True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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