i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
