it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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