i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
