I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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