Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
