I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
