I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
