your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
