Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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