you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
why do cheetos always look like penises
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize