I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Everyone says I win the strip club
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
