The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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