I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Even my vagina gasped.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I will pee on everything he values.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
