Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
