I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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